My Train Times

Today ,I am travelling by train after quite some time . Off late I have switched on to road and air travel- mostly due to time compulsions . But I always believed that I am very much a train-person. I feel totally at home in trains . This time however, I found myself bit nervous while dealing with the crowd and chaos that prevailed on the platform. I was kind of relived when I was alone in my coupe and the train left station . The familiarity of sounds and sight returned soon afterwards. While reading a wonderful book by Joanne Harris I found my mind was going back remembering – my train times . The time spent during my train journeys . I am surprised how we always felt comfortable travelling in ordinary class . The questions of security and hygiene never bothered us much in those days. Striking conversation with strangers was never difficult. The alertness , the guarded behavior or the fear of getting cheated somehow was not this much. I was remembering the heated debates on politics, cricket and all other general subjects with the co-passengers. It seems everyone was interested in talking . Today of course I find almost everyone either playing with his/her mobile, laptop, mp3 player or sleeping . I cannot complaint because I too am doing the same. People are curt and businesslike in talking with co-passengers . In my university days , it was difficult for me to catch a train from Allahabad and not to find someone or the other from the university in it. Instantly the conversation will start about comparing different departments, professors, hostels etc . Looking back I think it was quite funny . It was somehow so important to prove our point . People would not mind sharing food or magazines, Even the railways staff would at times take part in these regular train discussions. I was never a card player …so my favorite way to spent time was to look out of window . My mind can still visualize those scenes. Later while travelling to Bengal, I realized how dry and barren those fields were in comparison to the green Bengal land. Thankfully this years monsoon was very good and even in north India the fields are full of crops – green and prosperous. A happy sign to witness from the train window.
Incidentally the train experience is also never uniform. Its different while you travel in the toy train from shimla and different when you travel in Konkan railways. I cannot help remembering the happy days of my two Bharat Darshans when we had spent a lot of time(usually nights) in the trains. It is great fun to travel in a group. The continuous singing , teasing, dumb charade and chatting is unforgettable. I still remember when from my university- we were taken on a study tour. What fun we had in train journey to and fro. Of course it must be a nuisance for the fellow passengers. A bunch of noisy college goers are hardly ideal travel companions and we really behaved like brats. So much so our HOD had to get up in the night and shout at us. The giggling and pillow chats continued despite that . Travelling is always interesting, but the flood of memories most of us face while travelling by trains is incomparable . Each one of us has his/her own unforgettable train times.

Passing on the baton- Fasting feasting and more

I am sure for each generation there comes a time, when they wonder about what they are passing on to the next generation. More likely to be when they start getting old enough to miss their younger days and not too old to forget those. Its very human to try to hold on things and traits familiar to one’s life. Change is unsettling and unknown. Most of us try to renounce the new ways as inferior and lacking in values ...at least till it is too late . I read somewhere in Readers’ Digest that when rock music came , the previous generation declared it death of the music . Some people still argue that email and e-chatting ruined the romance of an actual face to face tête-à-tête and handwritten letters. In our country for last three generations parents thought that they have lost the battle for morals and culture with the coming of Gramophone, cinema and TV soaps respectively. But each generation survived and flourished- defined their own values, culture and moral fabric in its own ways. I often feel that a lot was lost/missed in between the transition . But you can’t miss what you don’t know…so life goes on. Before I philosophize more on the issue I must tell you the context . I went to my hometown- lucknow last week . Like all people who are away from the towns they grew up in, whenever i go, I try to spot familiar things, sights, smells and sounds. It was rather interesting timing to visit this city .It is the time when one can witness the ganga –jamuni culture at its best. I reached there on Rakshabandhan day and will be returning again on the day of Janmashtami. Of course, the holy month of Ramadan is going on and half the city was fasting and waiting for Eid . These days are special for the city and they have always been so .
Though most Indian cities are now losing their old character – at least the very visible sights of it, Lucknow always celebrated festivals in style. Even when the new stuff is paving way for the old…it was the mix of the two I found in my town this time. Well, we might have new Barista and Café coffee day now….we still have our Royal café. But for some of us the change is unsettling . You can’t blame us. Those of us who left the city years back , now go back there and try to look for familiar sounds, sights and smells to renew our days . Alas, things change…and so do cities. An old shopkeeper in Hazratganj told me that the Mehfils which marked the hours after Iftar are gone . In very characteristic lehza he bitterly told that no one bothers about the usual chit chat unless they are in a TVchat show and getting paid to talk

.Thanks to the politicians iftar parties had long lost their pure social and religious meaning . The weight conscious youngsters no longer enjoy the famous nahari kulchas and other traditional stuff used to break the roza. Even the famous shops of Nazeerabad, Akbari gate and rest of old lucknow have lost the glitter and activities of iftaar . After two three hours of iftaar these shops are closed like regular days . One will still find the stalls of Kashmiri chai or huge makeshift shops selling seviyans but the ramzani raunak of our good old days is definitely lost. Even when the new generation goes for these products, they prefer taking it from the outlets in the malls rather than the old town. People no longer prefer the leisure and the joy of conversation at a shop anymore. A witty repartee or a clever remark from the shop owner …a couplet or two to answer a question from the panwallah , no longer interests the people. The customers look for business like efficiency and that’s all.
The point I am trying to reach is that while I find ( and feel happy to find) malls, multiplexes and known food chains wherever I go , I do feel a pang in my heart for the era that is lost. Its not only about eateries . I wonder who will remember the floral rakhis on rakshabandhan few years from now. These rakhis made from real flowers and customized as per the insistence of the sisters buying them, were visible at every florist shop of lucknow till 3-4 years back. I try telling myself that these things hardly matter. If we looked for those rakhis in our days the new generation has fancy gadgets and chocolates to find on this day .
But the sense of missing a part of my familiar world does not go easily . Everytime we have a family gathering my aunts and sisters end up talking about old family recipes and efforts made to make those perfect pickles, papad and other mouthwatering dishes meant for special occasions. I always loved the festival of janmashtami and the fast which comes with it . Being the foodie I am , the reason was the special dishes made up of dryfruits, coconut and other stuff. The vrat food which was “allowed” in a fast. The tradition is almost lost in my family. Even I do not care to make these delicacies in my home . The food we eat is mostly the same throughout the year . The joy of eating khichuri on a particular day and roasted green gram on other has given place to easier options. Of course, we have adopted many more dishes in our menu but the tradition of making a particular dish for a particular festival/day is not there anymore. May be the next generation will not miss these traditions- we have afterall not passed it on to them . For kids in my colony these “ minor” festivals are just school holidays and they feel happy about it by watching their favorite shows or playing computer games . It is in vain to feel sorry about old things which are going out of fashion. It is somewhat inevitable. Perhaps it is more important to hold on tightly with our values . I just hope that we are missing on just the most visible parts of legacy and not the most important ones. I mean as long as families enjoy happy times together , it hardly makes a difference whether it is in a family gathering eating traditional kheer or enjoying a TV show eating pizza.

Failure is easy to live with ..isn’t it ?

I am very clumsy when it comes to console anyone grieving for a loss, a failure or a disappointment. Last night I did some introspection on it . Actually the Civil services Prelims results are out and a very dear bunch of youngsters who are very close to me and hubby, failed to make it this time. Social niceties expect me to talk to them and say- It’s alright. But then, saying “it’s alright “goes against my nature. I was unable to say these two words to myself when I failed earlier. Even now I firmly believe that any failure, any disappointment is not alright. Well, I am a big sucker of the self motivation books- ‘Think like a winner!’ Success is never ending!’ ‘Tough times never last ‘….and many more. I regularly read and distribute the fable like stories say- The Little prince, The Alchemist etc. But God knows, I am totally unforgiving when it comes to failure. Mine or of people around me. My best friend some time back joked that phoenix must be my favorite bird. If one lesson I have learnt from failure is that it just shows –the best was not good enough. For me every exam, every challenge and every assignment is like a riddle. There is at least one solution available….and in most cases there is one best solution too. All I need to do is to find this one. But failure is never alright ….I do not actually agree with the fatalist philosophy of: May be god has a better plan. I know that whatever I can desire, I can make it happen to me and around me. It’s just a question of mental strength….a question of believing that you deserve better.
But what to do with the socially required consolation? I know I mutter some words half heartedly—but I do not believe in them. I also totally despise self pitying people – people who feel devastated just after a failure or two. Have you not met people who keep dwelling on their failures- sometimes for rest of their lives? Sometimes blaming the circumstances or others for it …or even worse blaming themselves and feeling terribly sorry. People who carefully nurture their fears and phobias and ensure they do not get the most desirable deal out of life in this process. Even the best and most sincere people around me rely on fears and tears while dealing with failures. I wonder why they do not feel ANGRY the way I do when I fail. Guess, it is easy to feel sorry about oneself. But the sad part is this feeling sorry phase does not end till it convinces you that may it was ‘ alright ‘ to fail….may be you never deserved what you aspired for. I respect people who learn to see silver lining in the darkest cloud too but I admire those who fight till they leave all dark clouds behind them.
In my opinion, the only way one can turn failures into successes is by not accepting failures. Dwelling them just to learn where the riddle’s best solution was missed and going ahead once again with much stronger resolve to succeed. Most people fail to do that. Failure is never okay-because it stops you from being where you wanted to be. …at least for some time. That time may be precious…it may never come again. That you might get to live life full of beautiful moments /great experiences meanwhile, is another story . I know many people who because of some failed dream accidently found their true vocation, true partner and true destination. But that is not the point. While internet is full of motivational stuff telling you - how to turn failure into success and while many are making a career out of this –my policy is simple. I can do anything I put my mind to. I can do it; I can do it, IF I put my mind to it.” Saying this to yourself and BELIEVING it does not come naturally to most people. And that perhaps ensures that the winner stands alone at the top!

So even at a risk of sounding cruel and competitive I'd say that failure is very easy to live with , fears become old pals if you allow them to accompany you all the time - its the succcess which is difficult to hold and get habituated to .

Musings on Museums in India

When I was a child , my parents always made us visit museums – small and big museums. Whereever we went, visit to the local museums and site museums was must. They took special care to make us read what was written on the boards there and try to understand it better by reading more books on that. Honestly speaking, at that time I hardly understood what I was seeing let alone its importance . In school , I read about the efforts of early 20^th Century archeologists to dig up the ancient sites about India . Again, at that time it was difficult for me to understand how important these excavations were. Then one fine day while sorting out old dust laden and moth eaten books in my grandfather’s room at his Lucknow house I came across his school text books of history. I realized that there was something weird . I mean the chapters about Harrappan (Indus Valley ) civilizations were not there. Neither was any mention of King Harsha or Budhha’s life in India . A lot of history was different from what we read as history. My granddad explained to me about how in his school days knowledge about the Indian civilization was limited. Much less had any documentary evidence beyond folk tales and some unauthenticated articles about its ancientness. It took a bunch of zealous Indologists to dig up India’s past and tell Indians about their history. Much later, during my probationary days I visited most of the well known museums across our country. I also read extensively about famous world museums like the Louvre while auditing some of the oldest museums in Kolkata . I was heartbroken to see how less we value the treasures stored in these museums .

Yesterday , with my 12 year old nephew I visited two museums. First was the Nehru memorial, Teen murti bhawan museum and the second was Shankar’s international Doll’s Museum. Both places need immediate repair, renovation and upgradation. Since then I am thinking about the condition of museums I have seen. The earliest necessity to house objects of antiquarian remains dates back to late 1796 AD when the Asiatic Society of Bengal felt the need to house the enormous collection of archaeological, ethnological, geological, zoological pursuits. However, the first museum by them was started in 1814. The nucleus of this Asiatic Society Museum later provided to the Indian Museum, Calcutta. I had one of my first assignment to audit security and preservation of artefacts in these three of the most important Indian museums at Kolkata. This is what we found . It was a sad picture of how ignorant and uncaring we could be towards our heritage. And its not about only museums of historical importance - generally (mis) managed by ASI. The same holds true for science museums, Art museums, even about museums related to Railways, dolls and other such articles. These days people hardly visit museums. These days government hardly takes care of museums. Very few scholars are passionate about the preservation of our national heritage and people generally managing these institutions are sadly, apathetic and disinterested. How else you can explain the pathetic condition of Red fort ….all water bodies dry, all buildings bearing a sad look and ugly ropes barring visitors to go near. People are still visiting these places…but I wonder what will they learn. Few years back in Qutub Complex in Delhi, while visiting with an international group, we found a ASI approved guide telling all kinds of fictional stories about the place. He even mentioned authority of his stories as a Rupee 10 worth book printed in Delhi. Not only this, in Fatehpur Sikri at Agra, we had a guide telling us about the most important event related to the place- shooting of movie Pardes, for which Shahrukh khan came to the place. I am sure emperor Akbar turned in his grave every time this was mentioned. Its not only history about which we are insensitive . We have a similar disinterest for art and science too. Tagore’s Shantiniketan( now Vishwa Bharti University) has statues and murals made by world famous artists lying in open subjected to elements of nature …some in state of crumbling. Similar is the fate of Tagore’s original paintings lying in the stores of the Kala Bhawan for years. National Library at Kolkata also gave the horrifying picture of neglect- people working there do not love the books they collect. Much like the curators of the museums. I wonder what is the condition of state museums at Allahabad, Mathura and Sarnath….which I visited as a child. I know things are pretty shabby at Lucknow, Agra and in Shimla. Many of the old sites and site museums are in the hands of trusts who do not care to look after them.

Its not that there are no efforts to improve the condition of these museums- for example the Lucknow Residency Museum is pretty good so are some of the museums in Rajasthan . I also met a very impressive curator at Coochbehar sometime back- who was very passionate about restoration and preservation of Coochbehar Palace museum. But such efforts would not do much till we find common people interested in history and curious about the things stored in these museum. I found that most young parents feel that books and CD ROMs can give the knowledge required for their kids and they do not need to see the places and things . They rarely take kids to museums- even schools these days organize visits to fun parks and picnic spots rather than museums . No wonder kids neither find the dusty manuscripts and statues appealing nor understand their value . Surprising in Delhi where we have perhaps the biggest numebr of museums , we also have the most apparent dislike to visit the museums. People do not visit NGMA, National Museum or Museum of Natural History unless they have any specific reason to do so. Very few know about the memorial museums and their condition- while some of the prime properties of Central Delhi have been taken to house these . Most Delhites would rather go to a mall than to the beautiful National Crafts museum . Very few would know about the National philatelic museum or Rail Museum .

The more I see the world ,the more ashamed I feel about our apathy for our museums and our heritage stored in these museums. In Shanghai while visiting the Shanghai city gallery at pearl tower I wondered why we do not have such gallery for any of our old cities. The only similar gallery I can think of is Calcutta Gallery at Victoria Memorial hall…which is on a much smaller scale and well, needs serious up gradation . I keep on hearing about upgradation of museums like Shankar’s Doll Museum or Rail Museum too. But the efforts do not seem very apparent. Our apathy for showcasing our heritage was also visible at Shanghai Expo where the Indian pavilion has old cutouts and pictures only to showcase our culture. We do not bother to make multimedia films like China. People tell me that almost all old cities in India have material comparable to full countries of western world…but they go far far ahead from us in showcasing and preserving their heritage. London and Paris for example, remained world class cosmopolitan cities but always gave due importance to their heritage. I wonder why we , Indians , can not be like that ?

The Big Fat Indian Wedding and me!!

There is something about the big fat Indian wedding that is intimidating . Or may be there is something wrong with me? I mean everybody seems to be in love with those…all except me. Our Bollywood has a separate genre of movies dealing with marriages( most of them block busters). Most TV soap operas these days deal with the ritualistic marriages and well, audiences adore these.Not only these , even lifestyle shows talk incessantly about wedding jewellery, dresses, trends and venues . Even on a family level you find everybody so excited talking about someone’s wedding- even for persons they hardly know. As a group we Indians love the pomp and show at our weddings. We love arranging them, talking about them and seem to enjoy everything associated with it. Here I again take a turn and confess being a very un-Indian person . I hate ritualistic marriages and avoid attending them like plague . I ensured that I missed all my cousins weddings and do not even care to attend most parties I am invited to for my colleagues weddings. I remember even as a child I always found the wedding processions and the functions very fussy and if I may say, repulsive. Coming from a family where non-ritualistic marriage (usually civil marriage) was the norm, this attitude may have something to do with my upbringing. But the disturbing part is that my annoyance and dislike for these functions is very visible on my face . Despite my best efforts I cannot even appear to look interested in looking at somebody’s wedding album or admiring the pretty bride. My family members and friends fail to understand my feelings on the subject . Like when I told the female colleagues this morning that I absolutely hate wearing jewellery , they were aghast . For them this is THE topic for discussion given I am going to attend my Brother in law’s wedding . They also fail to see my point when I tell them that I am bit worried about wearing the fancy silk sarees in this weather . For them, weather takes two hoots when it comes to attend a wedding….even backless/ sleeveless dresses go for a wedding in freezing cold months and why not a kanjivaram silk for June wedding at hot and humid Kolkata .

My point is very simple, if the wedding is all about fun and happiness why can’t we cut out all the fuss. My guess is that most people enjoy the fuss much more than the wedding. On some rare occasions when I am forced to attend a wedding party, my hubby expects me to fill him with all details – and here I am -totally blank . I do not remember who all were there , what they were wearing, what was the menu and who looked good or bad! My only concern on such occasions is to somehow be in corner or in a group where people are generally busy amongst themselves , show my face to the host and find the quickest way to exit. My friends tell me I am worse than unsocial- I am almost ‘anti-social’…hubby adds that I have social conditioning problems but I think I just do not like the big fat Indian weddings . The whole tamasha looks so unnecessary to me. You go through rituals without understanding their meaning, you try to please those who actually do not matter, you dress up in most fancy and expensive dresses which would be hardly wearable hereafter . Why can’t people be themselves while getting married? Why one has to eat unhealthy, dress up uncomfortably and meet hordes of uninteresting people ?

I am painfully aware that I am in miniscule minority with this kind of opinion. Most youngsters getting married blame it on their parents’ wishes but still go for all the usual pomp and show . Funny part is that in cross cultural wedding instead of simplifying , people nowadays go for two sets of wedding ceremonies which compete with each other in grandeur .

In the last wedding I had to attend I made a mental list of various kinds of people associated with Indian Wedding Inc . First is of course the bride and the groom, who for day surrender themselves to the will of others and just do whatever they are asked to do. Very few of them seem to enjoy the wedding ceremony…most are too tired with a plastic smile pasted on their faces that they realize the happenings of the day only afterwards through marriage video. Then there are relatives who for one day become important and can boost their place in the happenings . As in India we follow a very complex hierarchy of relatives, there is always a lot of talk about who gifted what? Who did what ? Who was such a pain….and who was so generous with help. I find all these talks very very sick. Third and usually a sizable group is of friends colleagues and acquaintances of the bride and groom. These people usually come only to hang out in the group and eat. I am most surprised by this group. They are always excited to receive invitations. Girls start discussing about dresses and boys about girls . They feel that it is their solemn duty to attend the wedding and enjoy it. And well they do enjoy it. A sub section of this group is of foodies who are interested only in the feast part of the wedding. They discuss and savour each and every dish and then compare notes with one another. The interesting part is that the two people getting married and in whose name everybody is eating the feast are suppose to fasting on the day (in most parts of India ) .

Apart from these, in each wedding you’ll also find some indispensable advisors. Some old aunt or some seen-it-all uncle who would be supervising the preparations as per ‘norms’ . It is good fun watching these advisors who enjoy every bit of their sudden importance and attention as consultants on of what should be done and how and in what sequence. There are groups of women comparing each other’s jewelery and sarees and men discussing who spent how much in their sons/daughters weddings .

Are you wondering why am I writing all these when attending marriage is an important is considered the most important aspect of Indian social calendar ? Well, it is June and the mercury is touching 45 , I am all set to attend my BIL’s wedding at Kolkata and am damn scared about it. I am scared not about not liking it ( which is almost certain), I am more worried about showing my dislike on my face. Wish I had known how to keep appearances on such occasions . Wish I could play “hamari bahurani” role with perfection on days like this.

PS: (14.06.10) Well, it finally is passed..the wedding I mean. The bride and the groom looked tired but happy and I am relived that I passed the ordeal. (The third picture is from this wedding.)

Crème de la crème?

We, bureaucrats love to talk about ourselves, typically our work. That is why in this blog I try not to talk about my profession …generally. I even started another blog titled – Being Officially incorrect to pen my thoughts related to my profession. But soon I realized I don’t want to talk about it so much to carry on a blog for it . The blog therefore, become non functional. Today I am making an exception to the rule and going to write about Civil Services . The occasion is that today is 5^th Civil Services Day – and I as a representative of my service was made to attend the official function at Vigyan Bhawan . I hated every bit of it- even the food.

I have noticed that despite all the tall talk very few people join civil services in India for noble / selfless reasons. And well, why should they? Getting into a job- a career service that too, is a race. Like any other profession youngsters want to join this one for very selfish reasons of power, money, status and like. There are many other reasons as well- some join it for certainty to get good dowry others because they have parents, uncles and aunts in this profession. There was a time and not very long back when in the Mussoorie academy speakers will again and again remind the young officer trainees that they are crème de la crème – but no more. The best and the brightest – at least the good guys and gals have stopped writing civil services – mostly. The new breed ( with some honorable exceptions ) is of ambitious, clever and ready to be corrupted youngsters who are very clear what they are looking for in public service. Best part is they start young. First there are races within the services- IAS the Brahmins and few other elite services make the monarchy. Rest everyone tries to forget for next 30 odd years that they too wrote and cleared the same exam. There is no equality in job profiles, perks, promotions and opportunities once you are out of the training academy’s common foundation course. Then there are very parochial notions about competency. To top it all the more time they spent more aloof they become from the reality…and talk more and more in terms of rules , orders and stuff like that .

Civil Servants mostly start suffering from some odd notions of superiority as soon as they enter . Mostly they think their job is too important and complicated and they are heaven born to be assigned this work. There are many schools of thoughts about what is officer like and what isn’t. Hierarchy is to be maintained. And yes, Peter Principle applies. Oh yes, people do rise in their level of incompetency. Very soon people stop talking and thinking straight. They talk in some vague manner in things which are otherwise very simple ….and feel important that way. Another remarkable feature is that bureaucrats always understand and appreciate what others of their flock are saying- specially if they are senior to them. Well, as they say: Un sot trouve toujours un plus sot qui l'admire.(A fool can always find an even bigger fool to admire him.)

After spending a decade in this group I have no hesitation in accepting that if even half of this group were honest and conscientious – our country would be a much better place . The group characteristic is however of very insecure and incompetent people who somehow turned lucky in one entrance exam. Many tried quitting too- at least thought of it, but continued as the stakes were high. Few of these show sparks of brilliance in many fields including their assigned work, but the crab mentality ensure the group characteristics intact. In all after few years most turn into very ordinary individuals with some status and means but (mostly) no strength of character or beliefs . Usually a very uninspiring and dull crowd with average intelligence to understand the problems but no will to solve them .

Sitting at Vigyan Bhawan , I look around the mixed profile of people around me, in the first sight they are impressive – gentlemen in suits and ladies in sarees , but talk to them, work with them and they turn into mere mortals- with no sense of public service , very little honesty and yes, self perpetuating to the core . The smart ones make best self marketers and move from one green pasture to another , the dull ones just draw their salaries and sit quite . But then there is another side of the coin as well, most of these may not be heroes and martyrs but some choose to take the road not taken . Everybody knows who they are. They run into problems some times, get awards on some others- but they make good use of their position to highlight issues close to their heart. Many excel in fields other than public service- turn into writers and artists and turn a blind eye to the ugliness of their chose profession.

Then I thought about myself vis a vis this group. I do not relate to them. I feel out of place in most gatherings. I like my work(mostly) but feel frustrated on many occasions too . I bend many rules, break few and go by few others and so far faced no big problem . I asked myself why do I like to continue here? For many long moments there was a silence. Then I heard a faint voice – because it showed me the world around me like never before. Because my profession gave me access to places and information hidden from most others. Because on some occasions when I do something good for people who came to me for work matters- I felt great. And well- end of the month, I get a salary cheque for which I am grateful. The money is not much, but its not too bad either. For someone like me who has no false notions of importance, I feel grateful to be in a job where I can earn my living without compromising my views and actions. Today , I am left with no hopes that I will be next superhero and will change the world but I feel good to bring about small but meaningful changes in my worksphere around me.

I guess at the end of the day, though it did not turn out to be a utopia , it was not a bad bargain individually. As a group , bureaucracy disappointed me – like it did to many others but then, looking around I do not see any other profession who would have come out clean on my criteria. But yes, in the end, that is what it remains- just another career option. My colleagues tell me not to judge others so harshly- I mean they never intended to serve the country in the first place. So those of you who cannot make any sense out of my confused post, let me tell you--I am just being a good bureaucrat and honestly, we bureaucrats are the only people in the world who can say nothing and mean it .

Celebrating Half the Earth and Sky

तेरे माथे पे ये आँचल बहुत ही खूब है लेकिन

तू इस आँचल से एक परचम बना लेती तो अच्छा था

I am a total non-believer when it comes to celebrating days- the sole exception is perhaps my birthday . For rest of the things be it cancer awareness or human rights, I do not think we should have one commemorative days . I feel the same way about International Women’s Day . 8^th March is difficult to forget , especially if you live in a metro . Suddenly from newspapers to TV channels and from Government functions to office associations get into a ‘women friendly’ mode . They plan special editions, special movie shows, special awards and a lot of other gimmicks . Most of us fall prey to these- we feel this one is “our” day . Sadly the reality hits bad for rest of the 364 days . So, like the tale of the two cities, this post is also about two extremes – for it was indeed both the best of times, and the worst of times on 8^th March 2010 for me - most hilarious and most tragic . Sometime during the afternoon when I was firefighting the numerous files and issues pending with me , I got a call from my headquarters office. I was told that a Get Together of lady officers has been organized in the evening. Though terribly hassled with my work, I still found myself totally amused at the thought of a group of civil servants sipping tea and discussing women- related issues while admiring each other’s sarees . Of course , I politely refused to attend. On the other side of the city , few days back my maid’s 17 year old daughter had delivered her first baby . The young mother and her days old baby found the taste of big bad world – ironically on the International Women’s Day when the man of the house threatened to throw them both on streets. How it started was unimportant but a very familiar drama followed with men of both sides raising voices, women of both sides crying and the like . The drama was of course sprinkled with the usual social flavor of taboos – “a girl needs a husband- however bad he may be” “ I am girl’s father so how can I say anything” “ She is my wife, I will do whatever I want” and of course, a very convenient “ This is their family matter , how can we interfere” . The 17 year old illiterate mother and her baby might not be aware about the welfare measures being started for their likes and celebrations going around the world for their empowerment . A small incident summed up all that is wrong with the discussions on women issues – compulsion of marriage ,early marriage , early motherhood, no say on decision of life , domestic violence and no access to legal assistance .

I am unable to brush aside the contrast between two sets of women. One –educated civil servants in their beautiful sarees meeting for a get together and to discuss women issues to mark the occasion and the other of my maid and her daughter who have their destiny chalked out for them by the exploitative conventions of previous century . Well, to be fair, I can see the society changing in front of my eyes and yes, we have , on a very broad terms ,come a long way from the days of our grandmother’s generation – but still there are layers beneath the layers. Empowerment unfortunately does not come from outer appearance. It is not even a subset of economic independence. The ability to think and decide for themselves , to assert for their views and to have control over their lives is still not available to most women.

While thinking on this issue , I thought of how my family raised and liberated its daughters . It started with my great grand mother . She was a matriarch in the true sense of the word. A very forceful person in her opinions, she was more comfortable discussing politics with her four sons than making food for them. It was her philosophy that guided the grooming of women in our family for three generations after her .She used to write in journals on issues of social reforms and religious practices. A staunch believer in non ritualistic religion she insisted that her marriage would be conducted without a priest –in the Arya samaj way, and the bride herself conducted the ceremony. Even later in life on many issues she had contrasting views with her husband and aired them publicly with absolute confidence. Out of her four daughters in laws , she insisted that all of them should not only be educated but should be able to run their families independently. She insisted on freedom of opinion and freedom to earn livelihood for her granddaughters as well. One of her daughter in law (my grand aunt) though married in a Arya samaj family , remained a true communist till her death . Her mom in law ensured that freedom for her . My grandmother comparatively was a more typical example of her generation- demure, introvert and obedient. However, when it came to show real guts – she too set an example. When my grandfather was in jail (during freedom movement) she took up a job of a teacher and insisted that she will earn for the living of her kids . It was an unwritten rule in the next generation for my aunts that they should be economically independent- before they marry. They were encouraged to take up careers , wear the way they want and air their views(even when wrong) with full confidence .They were also given absolute freedom to select their partners in life. As a result we ended up becoming a true National integration family – with uncles and aunts from all parts of the country . The rules were made even better for our generation. Marriage was optional…career was not. One can argue that my great grandma’s philosophy of liberation through economic independence was a faulty one but I have seen the results first hand. All of my aunts, cousins and sisters are fiercely independent people. Many of them look very ordinary, lived very ordinary…but go a wee bit deeper and you find astonishing clarity in views , confidence to take charge of their lives and even those of others around them. They bore trials of life much better than ordinary women. Even wrong decisions, bad relationships, widowhood or old age could not break their basic courage – “ I can handle anything” remained the family motto. I look around my life these days and find innumerable number of women who were given conditional freedoms, I find popular media strengthening the stereotypes and even the most intelligent educated urban women succumbing to this slavery of mind . Even among professionals I find women getting dictated by families and friends about how to live, how to react and how to behave. For channels who think that only the romantic comedies are the “chick flicks” or the companies who feel anything pink is for the fairer sex I can just pity. For I am sure there are many more simple women like the women of my family who are much more evolved than the gimmicks of kitty party culture. Well, we do not need one special day for us, after all – all 365 days are our days .